Chapter 1-3

 

***

Sunday, with clear skies, I came to the school.

The corridor that basked in sunlight made the dust floating around the air visible. The sound of shoes rubbing against the floor echoed, while from afar, I could hear the sound of a seemingly clumsy trumpet, which made me a bit nostalgic.

The school’s atmosphere indeed fitted for Sumire, who walked next to me with her uniform. Thanks to this situation, I felt like those clothes looked better on her than usual.

Due to the mood, I felt like going back as a student, but on a second thought, becoming a student again sounded like a pain, so I discarded the thought. During times like this, I once again realised that I truly was a dry person.

Once we entered a designated classroom, we were greeted by a teacher. I sat on the chair in the middle of the room. Her hair was short and she also didn’t put on anything like accessories or glasses. Overall, she gave off the impression of a very diligent teacher.

Apparently, since her mother had passed away, we should undergo a procedure to change the name of Sumire’s guardian. When her mother’s name came out, Sumire didn’t show any reaction. Whether she was impudent or indifferent, who knows.

Once we finished greeting each other, the teacher presented me with three kinds of paperwork. It turned out that they weren’t that complicated, I just needed to sign them. This was far easier than getting used to some of the latest things.

When we were done with the process, the teacher said, “This is a tough time,” as encouragement. But for some reason I could sense her skeptical thought behind her courteous attitude.

It was probably caused by her gaze, an unchanging ‘teacher’s eyes’ that I was familiar with ever since my student days.

During the process, Sumire didn’t say anything, she only stared at my name that was written on the papers.

After that we had a small talk about today’s activities, and once she glanced at the clock, she stood up from her chair. After a proper bow, she excused herself first and left the classroom.

I sat on the desk and stared at the black board.

Sumire who sat next to me stole small glances.

Aah, yeah, this feeling.

It reminded me of the old days. It was during the class when I felt someone looking at me, and when I looked back, the other party would quickly avert their eyes.

Back then, I wondered what kind of thoughts they had while looking at me. If you asked whether I was curious or not, yes I was curious. Nonetheless, it wasn’t that type of curiosity which lingered for a long time so I gradually forgot about it.

“You’re going to bring those back?”

I asked Sumire when I saw her pull some books from a desk and put them inside her bag. Of course they were hers, not even her would steal stuff, surely.

Once I saw her nodding, I responded with a simple hum. Even though I was the one who started the conversation, it would be wise to not expect me to maintain it. Still, it took all of me to approach her this way. Good job, me.

“Huh.”
“Hm?”

I could hear Sumire’s small voice. Her arm stuck inside her desk looking for something.

“My pen case isn’t here…”
“How about checking your bag?”

She swiftly checked her bag but unfortunately she also couldn’t find it there. She looked disheartened as she hung her head in disappointment. 

“It sometimes happens, right?”

This was school, indeed. Since they spent a lot of time together in one room, it wouldn’t be odd if you lost your stuff, or hidden, or stolen.

Especially Sumire, since she appeared like a suitable target for those kinds of things.

She seemed like had no inclination toward that kind of bad thought as she energetically checked her bag once again.

“Let’s just get you a new one.”

It was a holiday anyway, so I could bring her for a simple shopping trip.

My solution was a plain sophistry. The real problem would be the reason behind the disappearance of her pen case. In case that kind of bad thing did happen, then the most ideal condition would be where they only wanted her money and once she paid them, they would give her stuff back without any further action.

Sumire nodded and then stood up.

Her steps somehow appeared lighter than before.

Well then, where should we go. I started to think while my body swayed inside the train.

A 100-yen shop would sell stuff like pen cases, but even me used better stuff during my student days. Also, it would be troublesome if we needed to repurchase things that had broken. The durability of the things they sell weren’t very good after all.

It couldn’t be helped so this time we went past our usual stop and headed into a further town.

We passed through the ticket gate and the girl next to me was busy moving her head glancing around. Yeah, as a high schooler she was really small alright.

Our eyes met during her busy observation, and then I moved my gaze looking ahead.

“Let’s go there.”

I pointed my finger at a department store close to the station, Sumire gave me a strong nod against my suggestion. Looking at the way she moved, I would start to assume she broke her neck due to the force.

When I saw the crowd, I started to doubt my decision to bring this feeble girl out here. I imagined an event where we got separated, looked for each other, and had an emotional reunion…yeah it was possible. So I desperately racked my brain.

“Don’t get separated now.”

From the corner of my eyes, I could see her hands and grabbed it. Sumire swiftly straightened her back and squealed.

“There are too many people here.”
“R-right.”

This time not only a gesture, she properly let out a sound. It was a progress. Progress?

Where did I progress to, I wonder.

“Just choose whatever.”

Once we arrived at the stationery corner, Sumire stared at the lining pen cases from a particular distance.

“You can see it closer, you know?”

Hearing my suggestion, Sumire seemed jumpy but then slowly moved closer to had a better look at the pen cases.

She properly took a look from the leather material plain model to the transparent one, there was even a unique one that resembled a blackboard eraser.

Now let’s see which one Sumire would take fancy at, when I thought of that, she started to move closer to the one with a blackboard eraser shape.

An unexpected choice.

Well, it would be a good object to start a conversation with her classmate, but did she have someone to talk with in the first place?

“Uwaa~! This one is extremely cute, don’t you think?!”
“Yeah! I’ll take this.”

Suddenly two high school girls appeared and took the pen case which Sumire took interest in. Judging by their uniform, they went to the same school as Sumire. 

Sumire only managed to glance at the back of two girls who appeared happy heading to the cashier. Somehow I could perceive some sort of loneliness in those eyes.

She slowly put down her hand which was floating only touching the air with nothing to hold.

“If you want a catchy one, this one is better don’t you think?”

I took a salmon shaped pen case from the inner part.

The zip was along the stomach part, so it would be like she was gutting a whole fish when she opened it, interesting right? The shape wasn’t a cutesy one, just an oddly authentic shape of a fish in the form of a pen case so it left a deep impression. Aside from the smell, this item had a high level of realism.

“Waa.”

When she looked at that, Sumire let out a fairly loud voice.

“I, I will take this one.”
“Huh, for real?”

I intended that as a joke, but Sumire took the salmon and embraced it with gleaming eyes. What a bizarre scene. The combination between a high school girl in her uniform and a fishery product sure was the worst.

“Here is the money, just go pay it.”

Once I handed her the money, she quickly headed to the cashier.

The previous girls who probably finished their purchase walked past Sumire, her arms twitched.

I somehow could see a tint of pride from her face.

After we finished our purchase, we had lunch in the nearby family restaurant.

Since she seemed restless I asked her what happened, and apparently she came here with mother before.

Since we had a drink bar, seeing Sumire who came back with a cup of orange juice made me feel a bit impressed. She didn’t let me down with that choice.

I ordered a vongole soup pasta while Sumire asked for an omelette rice. Despite her appearance, it seemed like she wouldn’t pick a kids menu. Without any particular interaction, we ate our lunch in silence.

I didn’t feel any sense of complete satisfaction, but that extent was what a family restaurant could give. If I were aiming for full satisfaction, my expenses would definitely take a blow.

Once I turned around after finishing my payment, I couldn't find Sumire who previously stuck behind me.

When I left the restaurant, I found Sumire who was crouching down, looking at the capsule toy machine. She gawked at it with a very serious expression.

“Just use the changes from your pen case purchase.”

I intended to let Sumire have it in the first place. The reason was because it would be too bothersome to keep collecting any changes from her.

Sumire reacted when she heard me, then she started ruffling her pocket.

I also crouched down and stared at the capsule toy. Apparently it was the hot spring manju series, the one hanging on Sumire’s bag.

“You want this one?”
“The yellow one.”
“Looks inedible.”

Sumire inserted the coin and twisted the switch to get the capsule. It let out quite a loud noise, I sort of knew the passerby would look at us with doubts. A high school girl and an adult staring at a capsule toy machine was surely a fishy situation.

Finally, just like an egg, a capsule came out from the machine. Sumire opened the capsule using all of her might.

From inside, the one that appeared was a brown coloured one, a very normal looking hot spring manju.

“A miss?”

If I wasn’t mistaken, the one on Sumire’s bag was also brown.

“I also got this one when I came with my mom.”
“That’s what they called fate. Now, let’s go if you’re done.”

I stood up first and moved my hand as a sign. Sumire didn’t look especially dejected, she simply stared at the brown manju on her hand.

From then on, we spent the day buying clothes and pillows, and by the time we realised a lot of time had passed. That moment, I just noticed that both me and Sumire’s hands were holding a lot of shopping bags that we could hear some dragging noise when we walked.

“Let’s take a quick break.”

Due to the exhaustion, I quickly sat at a nearby bench once I spotted a gelato stall.

I bought two strawberry gelato with an assumption that Sumire would surely have no problem eating this.

What I learnt from today's outing was that Sumire's senses probably stopped growing during elementary school. She chose a bear motif pillow case, a check-patterned one piece, it was easy to see her preferences.

Once she received her share of gelato, she licked it timidly, it reminded me of a cat.

I also started to eat mine, and while relinquishing the refreshing flavour I rested my back.

Come to think of it, when was the last time I did shopping like this?

When I recollected my memories, it wasn’t that long since I did some spring shopping this year with my friend. But only that one time.

After you graduated and took off your uniform, you would become part of society, it also followed with a circle of friends who gradually got smaller. Even my relationship with my best friend who I thought would last forever had slowly faded since she moved outside the prefecture and we only were able to get in touch once in a while. 

Nevertheless, even those small links were already severed as we no longer did that. It wasn’t like that we loathed each other, but it also didn’t mean that we thought each other as special enough to especially meet.

In the end, my definition of ‘friends’ started pointing to people who shared numerous similar circumstances and got together for their own convenience.

Relationship that lasted for a lifetime was a pretty rare thing, if I must say.

“I’d totally shut myself in the house tomorrow.”

I muttered as I rubbed my swelling legs.

“Umm.”

Suddenly, Sumire timidly glanced at me.

“T-thank you.”
“Huh?”
“Since you bought me a lot of things.”
“These are not my treat, though? I will collect a payment later.”
“Eh.”

Sumire looked at the amount of stuff inside the paper bags and slowly turned pale.

“I, I will take a part time job.”
“Nah of course I was joking, right? Do you see me as a heartless oni?”

Sumire once again stared at me with widened eyes looking taken aback, then she shook her head.

“Aah, but I'm surely tired.”

I looked at the sky while spouting my last complaint. Twilight, I could sense the cold wind as a sign of winter’s arrival.

Got entrusted with Sumire, played a role as her guardian, also stuff like today, remembering all of that made me sigh. So these would be my daily lives from now on, huh. How disheartening.

Besides, I truly couldn’t put faith in myself. I felt like I could suddenly lose the willingness to shelter her and that time I’d probably kick her out of my house. I wasn’t an oni, but I surely also wasn’t a goddess.

“Are you going to attach this keychain to your bag?”
“Yes.”
“The bag with hot spring manju attached, and an addition of a salmon shaped pen case, huh.”

It would be quite a spectacle when I tried to imagine it.

“You could become a well-known person in your class.”

Hearing my words, it looked like Sumire also imagined it and her eyes glowed in excitement.

Actually, rather than popular she probably became a source of jest among her classmates, but the one who would be embarrassed was Sumire, it had nothing to do with me.

“The weather has gotten colder.”

This gelato sure was good, but it was also expensive.

When I intended to stand up from the bench, I could hear a slight murmur from my side.

“...so mom is really dead.”

She sounded indifferent. She fiddled the manju keychain in her hand while also gazing at it.

“What do you think death is?”

If the question came from an elementary school, I kind of get it, but Sumire was already in high school. Of course she should already know.

I rested my back for the second time against the bench, looking for an answer.

“It means that you will no longer be able to meet her, no?”
“Does it mean that I can’t find mom anywhere?”
“Kind of.”
“Even in heaven?”
“As if something like that exists.”

Sumire strongly gripped her skirt.

“I want to see my mom.”
“That would be impossible, we already finished the funeral. You should know since you were the one who collected her bones, the largest ones.”

Her shoulders started shaking.

Surely, she wanted to hear words of consolation or something that could give her salvation.

Still, I would say this again no matter how many times. I wasn’t kind. If you want help, just turn to another person. You wouldn’t find any trace of warmth from someone like me.

“Mom…”

Maybe because some memories ran through inside her head when she saw that manju keychain, Sumire’s eyes started to turn red.

“Uuuu, mom, mom…”

Perhaps, she avoided reality all along.

Somewhere inside her heart, she might’ve expected her mother would appear to pick her up as long as she waited for her. But then, as the time passed, she finally arrived at the point where she could no longer avert her eyes from reality.

“Mom, moooom.”

Sumire started to cry, her tears flowed down wetting her chin.

The adults who walked past stopped their steps, they glared at Sumire sharply. They observed Sumire with their useless hypocrisy and unhelpful kindness.

——How awful.

Seeing how things unfolded, I gritted my teeth.

Adults, they always saw things with said ‘common sense’ and ‘prejudice’. Disregarding the reason, they would perceive a high school girl who loudly cried in the street as something so weird and absurd that deserved their contempt.

Those stares were truly repulsive, but couldn’t be avoided.

I didn’t do things like stroke her back or pulled her into an embrace. What I did was simply staring mindlessly at the skies while sitting next to wailing Sumire.

“Uu, sob…mom, mom.”

The adults finally got enough of it, so they shrugged their shoulders and walked away.

Then, no one approached us. It was like they did their best to not get involved in a troublesome thing, they didn't even spare a glance on her.

Right, those were adults.

As we grew older, we started to do things that would be seen fitting as an adult.

“I…”

I didn’t want to be like them.

Still, I did become one, so I couldn’t turn away.

Against an existence resembled a flower, a being who couldn’t live without anyone’s helping hand. What should I do?

I wonder how long time has passed. The skies had completely turned dark and the moon started to appear.

“Are you done crying?”

With her reddened eyes, nose, even cheeks, Sumire nodded at me.

“Then, let’s hurry and go home. Good grief, it was really cold and I thought I’d die.”

Whether she was tired or no longer could, Sumire had completely stopped crying.

“Stand up.”

I grabbed her trembling hand. It was warm. She wasn’t a free warmer, was she? Ha ha ha.

Sumire rubbed her eyes using her sleeve, and with a single momentum she stood up from the bench. Matching her timing, I pulled her hand but Sumire unexpectedly got thrown off forward. 

Whump! 

I heard a loud noise and in the next second she already sprawled on the ground.

“Uwaa, looks hurt.”

It could see her nose got redder than before as she did her best to stand up while also glared at me.

“My bad, really.”

Sumire then chuckled softly while dusting off her skirt. She was really tough in a weird way.

“Matsuri.”

I couldn’t help but be surprised when she called my name. Did I ever tell this fellow my name? Also, no honorifics?

“Please take care of me.”
“...sure.”

Let’s see whether this moment would be a sign of an encounter or goodbye.

Humans weren’t mighty enough to stop someone’s death. Nonetheless, the girl before me was——

——She exuded a far stronger gleam than adults around, that I felt like covering my eyes.

“What was an adult again.”

Once we were home, we sorted her stuff.

She arranged the pillow, wore her new pajama, and also put her newly purchased salmon pen case on the desk.

There was a uniform and textbooks in my room.

It was like a sign of the change that barged into my daily life.

The manju keychain in Sumire’s bag now became two.

***

(TL note: Starting from here is from Sumire’s POV and she refers to herself as ‘Sumire’ instead ‘I’.)

Sumire had always hated the entranceway ever since long ago.

It was the day when Sumire opened the door and greeted with usual silence. Sumire was taking off her shoes when suddenly the envelopes that piled up inside the mailbox above fell like an avalanche. The kanji letters that were written there were dominated by difficult words which Sumire had yet to learn in school. The only thing Sumire could recognize there was probably just dad’s name.

The doorbell rang, once Sumire opened the door, two adult men who wore black stood there.

They kept saying difficult words.

Injury body inflik…? Sentence saspund…? Punishment prosekusyon…? Five years imprisenman…?

(TL note: body injury infliction, suspended sentencing, prosecution’s recommendation for punishment, five years imprisonment)

Sumire couldn’t recognize most of the words. When they saw Sumire’s reaction, with their scary expression, they asked, “Where is your mother?”

“She’s in hospital,” Sumire answered. The men let out a very huge sigh and then they closed the door.

When Sumire was in elementary school, dad was caught by the police. Sumire didn’t really have any clear recollection about that time.

Unless one time, we were surrounded by a lot of scary looking men, Sumire was so scared that Sumire bawled. Once Sumire realised, our vicinity was already painted in blood, Sumire saw dad standing there. Not long after, an ambulance and patrol car came and took dad away. Dad’s back that went further was Sumire's last memory of him.

When Sumire entered middle school, dad still didn’t come home.

Since mom was also hospitalised a lot, Sumire mostly spent time alone in the house. Sumire would get breakfast by buying some bread and snacks from convenience stores, school lunch during the day, and bento service that mom ordered for dinner.

Even though Sumire wanted to cook when starving, in the end Sumire couldn’t do it since Sumire had no idea how. The only dish Sumire knew how to make was rice topped with raw egg, but even that simple dish tasted bad since the shell was often mixed in due to Sumire’s bad way of cracking the egg.

Sumire’s source of money was solely the one mom handed over during the hospital visit. Which was why Sumire couldn’t mindlessly buy anything.

What could be bought and how much, also the limit of money Sumire could spend, it was necessary to note them down to details.

At least Sumire knew that when using any electrical appliances, we should pay for it. That one fact felt so terrifying that Sumire couldn't even turn on the light.

In the end, Sumire would often curl up in the corner of the room to defend the body from the absence of heat.

After dad was taken by the police, a was kind relative auntie and the neighbours no longer wanted to have anything to do with Sumire. 

Sumire asked mom once about it, she replied, “That’s how it is in our society.”

What was ‘society’? Was it a different thing from ‘soap’? It was probably different.

(TL note: in the raw, society is seken and Sumire was comparing it with soap (sekken).)

Matters concerning money, the correct way to crack an egg, this thing mom called society, no one would explain to Sumire about any of that.

When Sumire went to school, it was a given that everyone was avoiding Sumire. The teachers too, they also did the same thing.

But, why?

There was no answer.

Because no one would explain.

It was also extremely difficult to make friends.

No one would bother to interact, since no one in the middle school wanted to talk to Sumire. Maybe that was the reason why Sumire was bad at interacting with older people, it was out of fear. Due to that condition, Sumire mainly played around with younger kids like elementary school and preschool children. Children wouldn’t avoid Sumire after all.

Still, when their parents knew, they would hurriedly stop our interaction most of the time. That was why most of Sumire’s relationship ended the day it started, we couldn’t even ask each other’s name.

“Sumire is called Sumire, you see.”

So, this time Sumire devised a way so her name would be remembered.

Thanks to that, the preschool kid who played in the sandbox could remember Sumire’s name in a short time. However, the parents then came and took the kid away. 

In the end Sumire was always alone.

…even though Sumire never acted selfish.

Things concerning money, dad, eggs, Sumire would never ask anyone to explain.

Sumire would also not ask for any friends.

None of those extravagant requests.

Sumire was simply…

Simply wanted someone to stay when Sumire cries.

That one simple thing would be enough for Sumire.

Slight move of the commuter pass on the ticket gate automatically opened it, even though no money was paid.

It was already a normal occurrence, but still felt exciting.

Sumire carefully tucked the commuting pass from Matsuri into the pocket then left the station.

As Sumire walked along the road like tracing the rail track, Sumire saw a bakery and then walked past it to arrive at a particular apartment which was located near the crossroad.

Climbed through one, two floors.

The stairs creaked whenever someone stepped on it, but that didn’t necessarily mean the building was old, still, it gave off a nostalgic feeling.

Once arrived at the destination floor, just like a gymnastic athlete, Sumire landed powerfully. Due to the movement, the keychain also let out a jingling sound, swaying on the bag.

Sumire had two hot spring manju key chains hanging in the bag. The slightly dirty one was from mom, and the one that still looked pretty was given by Matsuri.

It was hard to resist not poking at them.

During the walk along the apartment’s hallway, Sumire could see children who were playing in the park. They looked so lively despite this cold temperature.

“Ah.”

Sumire thought to join them for seconds. No one knew the circumstances here, so they probably wouldn’t pull their children away so quickly this time. But on second thought, playing outside during this situation would be too much, the cold weather, the cold society. It would be impossible to get used to the frostbite that society inflicted.

Once the decision had been made, a sound could be heard from behind the door.

Sumire turned her back against the direction of the park, and then opened the door.

It was a clean entranceway with nothing. The mailbox only had stuff like an advertisement for winter clothes.

After tidying up the shoes right after taking it off, Sumire walked along the plain corridor and then opened the sliding door. 

The room was dark. But the cooler was on. There was an obvious lump sticking out on the bed right where a slight light from the window fell.

A slight moment of hesitation.

It was an anxious thought, doubting would this be okay, would she be alright with this.

But—

“You don’t need to be that reserved, since it bothers me.”

It was what Matsuri said, so Sumire bravely flipped the switch next to the entrance to turn on the light.

The room turned bright, the lump moved and then someone looked at Sumire’s direction.

“Oo, welcome home.”

There was a particular word to reply to Matsuri's sluggish voice. 

Sumire knew the proper words to answer it.

Still, Sumire couldn’t move the mouth really well. Perhaps, it was because there were so few chances to say those words all along.

Which was why, to make sure that Sumire didn’t make mistakes and didn’t bite her tongue, Sumire slowly said it, word by word.

“I am home, Matsuri.”

The voice that came out, slightly trembled.

***

Translator's Note: Some of the readers might find 'dead' is too harsh, but I want to convey Sumire's hollowness and her naivety in the translation, so I chose 'dead' over 'passed away'. 

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