Chapter 3-1

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***

“Matsuri, are you getting along with Sumire-chan? What about her meals? Also the bath? She’s in a dire time, so please give her your best support.”
“I know, I know.”
“I heard from our relatives that there was a worn out uniform and a kid pajama hung on your veranda. Hey, you properly give her clothes and feed her nice meals, right?”
“Haa? Which relative? That’s stalking though?”
“Anyhow, I said this for your sake. If Sumire-chan looks neglected, you would be blamed for not properly taking care of her. You will come home during Obon, right? If it happens, you will get in trouble.”

Her voice was almost too familiar since I heard it ever since I was little, a voice that reflected her unreliableness with slight agitation.

Lately, my mother kept calling me to inquire about our situations. The topics were always about Sumire, so she might be curious on how she fared. Whenever she spoke, the words that came out were not far from the relatives or how others think, she would repeat it numerous times like persuading me.

“I believe that Sumire-chan is still in shock due to her mother’s passing, so you should take care of her, mainly her mental state. Something like this has gotten more attention amongst youngsters nowadays…right? Which is why, please support her properly. If by any chance something happened, both of us would receive our relatives’ contempt.”
“That’s your true thoughts, right?”
“Eh?”
“You just want to protect yourself. Let me tell you in advance, I don’t care about what others’ might think of me. Also, despite her appearance Sumire is quite bold, she’s not someone who drowned in misery after something like her mother passing.”
“Something like…Matsuri, watch your words.”
“But that’s the truth. Someone’s passing isn’t really a special occasion.”
“Matsuri…”

It was always hard to deal with this tone, a reprimanding tone. It always scared me whenever I saw her mild and quiet way of living. It felt like that gentle wave could strip my willpower to face the harsh waves that awaited me in this wide ocean. If I drifted away along those gentle breezes, I feared that I would be lost in nothingness.

“Are you doing well with your job?”
“It’s normal.”
“Is that so? It’s good then.”

The topic swiftly changed. Just before we got into a heated argument, my mother changed it in a heartbeat. She did it for the sake of avoiding any sense of guilt, I could sense her desperation through her predictable conduct which signified her fragility.

Due to that trait of hers, we’d never got into a huge argument. Whenever a problem arose she would bend, and seeing her pitiful state robbed me of my willingness to say anything further. It always felt revolting.

When I was a child, I often had those dry and rough hands rubbing my head. I wondered if that was one form of her remorse. Someone who prioritised serenity and her own well being. Thanks to that personality, she would speak comforting words people wanted to hear, a crafty and unfair person. I always hated her.

“Please get a grip. Since the weather is getting colder, don't forget to sleep warmly. You are always prone to catch a cold after all. Also—”
“You said enough.”
“Eh? Wait, Matsuri―”

Before she finished talking, I turned off the call.

What was her problem?

Even though she was the one who told me to take care of Sumire, and so forcefully at that. If she was that concerned, just take my place. If she didn’t want to, just leave me be.

“Haaa…”
“Matsuri? Are you okay?”

Sumire greeted me with a tint of worry in her eyes once I returned to the room.

“Somehow you look so sad.”
“Am I?”
“Yeah, can you bend over a bit?”

Sumire gestured for me to come closer with her hand, and I followed by bending my waist―but due to the height difference I could end up kneeling at this rate. So to avoid the shame I simply sat and pulled my knees embracing it, just like the way Sumire sat back when she first arrived.

Seeing me who turned shorter than her, Sumire embraced my head with her arms, and she gently rubbed it.

“Good girl.”
“...the heck are you doing...”
“Eh? You look so dejected so Sumire is encouraging you right now.”
“I didn’t ask.”

I slapped off the small hands. My mouth slightly tasted like blood.

“I hate that.”
“Getting treated like a good girl?”
“Yup.”
“Eeh, why?”
“Since I’m not.”
“Hmm…?”

Sumire placed her hand on her chin, she slightly cocked her head like she was deep in thought.

“Indeed!”
“Oi.”

When I glared at her, she escaped while playfully said, “How scary~”

Then she went under the blanket and calmly observed my next move. I moved closer and kicked that lump of blanket, then followed by muffled laughter from behind the blanket.

Dear mother, come and see this. This girl had completely recovered from her grief over her mother. I believe that if someone told her that they were concerned about her, she would light-heartedly say, “So you are worried about me, ehe~” and follow them like a baby chick.

“Listen, Sumire.”
“Nn?”

While staring at the ceiling, I sat on Sumire’s back who was lying on her stomach. The unchanging ceiling, clean and without stain.

“I think.”
“Un?”
“......”
“Matsuri?”

I didn’t change at all. Nothing has changed in my life ever since I left that house. White, and unstained ceiling. Nonetheless, I couldn’t bring myself to say the pure and unsullied surface was a precious thing.

“...nothing.”
“Weird Matsuri.”

If she said so, then she indirectly affirmed that I wasn’t weird on a daily basis. As a human, staying normal was one of the hardest things to do. So I would take that as a compliment.

“Should Sumire praise you again?”
“Uwa, I told you to stop.”
“You look so cute when Sumire did that earlier.”

She rolled over and put her hands on my hair, ruffling it.

I guess someone was being too pretentious. Why would she treat me like a brat.

Ignoring the crease on my forehead, Sumire kept her hands on my head. She rubbed it gently, ran her fingers through my hair, and did a lot of other things.

Should I teach her a lesson?

“This brat, cut it out…”
“Matsuri is a good girl.”

Her eyes that directed at me were warm, it was like she basked me with affection.

You are a good girl, Matsuri.

…as if there was a gain by praising me like this. Did this help to maintain my self-esteem by receiving people’s affirmation? Or could it be that by receiving others’ acknowledgement, it would boost my confidence?

“Will you still be able to say the same when I do this to you?”
“Eh? Wait, Matsuri, wa―ahahaha! Wait!”
“Don’t you dare look down on adults!”
“Kyaa! Waha—wait! He—hihi, ahaha!”

I ran my hands across Sumire’s petite body to tickle her. Sumire’s eyes started getting wet due to her tears.

Aa, this felt so satisfying. I inserted more power in my hands due to the undescribed sense of relief that washed over me.

“Eat this! Where is your apology!”
“Aa, hyaha! S, sorry—hihihi!”

The dishevelled sheet, her disarranged uniform, and her bare stomach that get into my vision.

“Ahahaha, stop it, Matsuri. Aa! Nn…”
“.........”

I could sense some kind of sensation through the tip of my finger.

“Ma, Matsuri…”

Cold sweat started to flow on my back.

What on earth did I do when the sun was blindingly shining?

I let off the shorty from my arms, and moved away to sit at the chair.

The following atmosphere was an awkward silence that filled the room for the rest of the day.

***

“Sumire will decide Sumire's career choice now.”

When Sumire came home from school, she slammed down a paper on the table. Coincidentally, that day was the first day of a new semester.

I took the paper, it was a career survey form. I was in a deep nostalgic thought upon seeing the paper while Sumire sat across the table after putting down her bag.

“Just write whatever you want.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Since I have zero interest.”

I redirected my gaze on my computer and sipped my tea.

“But Sumire is seeking advice from a senior.”
“Stop referring to me as your senior.”
“Hey, please listen to Sumire, big sis.”
“I’m not your big sister.”
“Then how should Sumire calls you.”
“Your Highness.”

Hearing my answer, Sumire’s cheek started to inflate like a balloon. I wondered if I let her be, would those balloons fly her away?

“Don’t think too much, it’s simply a career survey anyway, so for now just write down whatever you want to do.”
“So this is something like Sumire's dream? Hmm, Sumire is not really sure. What did you write back then, Matsuri?”
“Nothing.”
“Was that acceptable?”
“Yup. I think people who have dreams are a minority anyway. Most people live their life without any particular dream, don’t they?”
“Hmm.”

Sounding unconvinced, Sumire moved and placed herself next to me. While I questioned her mysterious behaviour through my glare, she didn’t faze and scooted closer on my chair.

“Can you move a bit?”
“Stop sticking to me, it’s so stuffy here.”

Despite the absurd situation where the freeloader drove away the house owner, Sumire seemed like she didn’t care and took a look at my computer’s screen.

“What are you working on?”
“The popup art for spring. Stuff for my job.”
“Hee…wait, are you drawing this, Matsuri?”
“Yup.”
“For real?! You are so amazing! This is just like a pro's work!”

As Sumire excitedly moved like an active rabbit, I finally completely lost my place on the chair and fell on the floor. Seeing those glittering eyes that were staring at me, I sensed another trouble incoming like a meteor shower that could pose a threat to the earth.

“So you are good at drawing~ Ah! Is this one also drawn by you?! Huh, could it be that everything here is your creation?!”
“Just cut it out, move.”
“This cherry-blossom is so good, it’s like a picture! Hey, hey, could it be that you are awesome?”
“Not awesome.”
“Eh, but you are really good, you are awesome.”
“I said I’m not awesome.”

I forcefully moved Sumire away from the chair, she didn’t retaliate and smoothly moved away. I closed the programs and turned off my computer. Seeing that, Sumire sounded disappointed but I didn’t really care since I drew not for her sake.

Then, what is the reason for you to draw?

I didn’t have any particular answer for that question.

I draw since my job asked me to. I draw since they requested me to. I couldn’t really spell anything other than those reasons.

“Didn’t you look for what to write for your career survey?”
“Ah, you’re right.”

Once again, Sumire sat down and groaned.

“You said that you have no dream right, Matsuri?”
“Yup.”
“You didn’t consider an artist as your career choice?”
“If I did, I won’t work as a florist right now.”
“So your current work is not a result of you giving up on your dream?”
“Stop being so frank in sticking your nose in others' circumstances.”
“Ouch.”

I rolled the paper and hit Sumire with that, then I stood from my chair.

“There’s nothing special, I just did this ever since a long time ago and I didn’t think much of it. Which is why I had nothing to give up for.”
“Still, you like to draw, right? You keep doing it for such a long time after all.”
“Nah not really.”

You moved your pen, forming some sort of shape through a series of lines. When you were done, you could perceive a lot of impressions. As if I would come to love this kind of simple activity.

“I simply.”

Then, what was triggering you to draw?

Since I didn’t have any particular interest in it, could it be that I perceived it as a fulfilling activity since people kept praising me for it? That answer also didn’t feel right. If I were to have that kind of extraordinary ambition ever since I was young, I would already be a prime minister by now.

“Simply…”

I had no particular reason, but was it enough to keep me drawing? No. I wasn't the sort of person who could keep doing things without any particular obligation, not someone who could get attached to something.

“I forgot.”

The only thing I could recall was my worn out sketch book. What did I intend to do with that pitiful thing, I wondered.

Perhaps, I could remember what I was thinking back then if I saw the real thing, but it was a relic from years ago, I might’ve lost it already.

“Now Sumire is getting curious.”
“I forgot about the trigger, but I remember the reason why I stopped being so immersed in it.”
“Really?”
“Yup, it was because it started to become bothersome.”
“Uwaa, sounds like you.”
“Right?”

She praised me. Hence, stopping might be a correct choice.

With this kind of personality, rather than treading a rocky way of living, it would be much safer to stick with my ideal way to live.

I saw my face that reflected on the black monitor, it seemed twisted. If someone asked me to draw that reflection, I had a hunch that I could finish it quickly without any hinch.

Since to do that, the only thing I needed to do was smashing the paper randomly with black paints.

“Sumire has decided.”

When I lost in my thoughts, Sumire looked like she had a revelation and started to write something on her career survey.

After she finished writing her first choice with a vigour which reflected through the huge letters, she presented it to me.

“Sumire will strive to become a comedian.”
“...haaa?”

The heck was she saying.

She wasn’t someone who did thorough thinking on a daily basis, but this time she strayed too far. At first I thought she was joking, but considering her earlier ‘joke’ wasn’t funny even in the slightest, this was already a sign that being a comedian wasn’t the right path for this girl.

“Actually, Sumire is quite popular as of late.”
“Are you?”
“Yup. Everyone called Sumire ‘Boss’ and they often laughed when Sumire did something. It was amazing, right?...still, Sumire couldn’t comprehend the meaning behind that ‘Boss’ nickname.” 

Right, I think she could get an answer by asking her own fist.

Anyway, she was being serious, wasn’t she? Didn’t she realise?

“Considering these events, being a comedian might be the right path.”
“About that, indeed you made people laugh…but they were laughing at you, no?”
“......”

It was an instant silence.

“That's a foul accusation…but Sumire do like fowl.”
“And you choose a terrible type of joke. Thank you for the second hand embarrassment.”

Those kinds of lame comedians had no place in modern days, no?

I looked at Sumire who had her hands on top of her head mimicking poultries. She looked so foolish doing that, her level of fowlishness had surpassed the fowls.

…could it be that I would be her straight-man if we formed a duo?

“I think you better stop. It’s embarrassing and kind of unrealistic.”
“We don’t know yet.”

Despite her strong remark, she smiled carefreely. That smile represented her unbound optimism, was my impression when I saw her.

“We won’t know unless we try.”

It reminded me of the colourful sky painting on a canvas.

So bright and blinding, burning my eyes.

Due to the sensation, I felt like closing my eyes.

The audition stage was located in a comedy academy a bit far from my house. It was also opened for the amateurs, ranging from 15 to 47 years old. Somehow she ended up coming here after her internet application got through.

“Just let me know once you’re done. I will kill time somewhere.”
“Copy that. Sumire will do my best, bestow upon my bestir.”

Once she said her parting words, she left the car and headed to the building. I kept staring at that back who went further.

Yup, she would definitely fail.

And so, I ended up around the nearby shopping district while waiting for her. Going home inbetween wouldn’t be wise due to the distance. Driving back and forth would be too troublesome, so dozing at some coffee shop would be the elegant way to pass time.

I parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and walked around. I felt like feeling a refreshing gust of wind was more refreshing rather than sticking my hand on the steering wheel. Who inflicted this change on me, I wondered.

Once I arrived at the shopping district, I instantly got a slight nostalgic feeling. Few years ago, it was a brief period, but I often wandered around this area.

Then, I found a bookstore I often went to, and my legs naturally brought me there like they were under some sort of spell. They had no notable changes, it was still cramped and messy. Nonetheless, despite the look it was quite easy to look for the particular book we wanted.

In the inner part of the store, there were things like wooden dolls for sketches, notes, pens, and other stuff. Since they had an art school nearby, this corner was intended for the students from that school. I knew about it because during my shopping here back then, the manager directly told me after all.

I tried to take one pen from the shelf. It was slim and light, probably an excellent tool to draw curvy lines.

Having a lot of money didn’t automatically make you good at drawing, but with money, it served as a motivation to draw well. Personally, I’d never thought of it that way, but I remembered that once, my classmate said something like that. Starting from the tools would also be important, that kind of original idea took most of our discussion inside that carefree class.

“Huh, Matsuri?”

They said that strange thoughts invite strange beings.

Once I turned around, I instantly saw a beret, followed by the person who wore it. That person was looking at me in disbelief.

“So it really is you, Matsuri. It’s been a while, how are you?”
“It’s been a while. Well, normal. I just happened to come here.”
“Huuh.”

The girl laughed teasingly as she saw me holding that pen. Those repulsive and glamorous expressions were unchanging ever since the last time I saw her.

“Since you are holding that pen, you are still doing art, yeah?”
“No, this is also a coincidence since I accidentally picked it up. So a chain of coincidence.”
“Yeah, sounds right coming from someone who attended art school for three months and quit.”

Supposedly, there were other visitors in this shop. But at this moment, I couldn’t hear anything other than my heartbeat and her breath.

“Well, giving up earlier is better. I have no talent anyway, and it’s not like I harbour a special interest in it. So it was a waste of money to pay the tuition.”
“I know. Despite your skill in drawing scenery, your drawings of humans look like a child’s work, of course I get it.”
“We have nothing to discuss, then.”

I returned the pen back to its shelf and fixed the bag on my shoulder.

“The quitter will quit now, good bye.”
“Wait a moment, Matsuri.”

Even though I left the store without paying any mind to her voice, she followed me and walked next to me.

“Where are you going?”
“I’m thinking of dozing at the nearby cafe.”
“Eh? Cafe is not a place to sleep though?”

Due to her taller stature, she looked down at me and laughed. Lately I’ve spent most of my time with a shorty, so this felt so out of place. It was a different feeling from refreshing, of course.

As we walked at the same pace, she grabbed a hold of my hand.

“Why don’t we hold hands? Just like the old time.”
“Nah, thanks.”
“Too bad.”

Despite her words, her expression didn’t show any disappointment. Looking at her face, she might already know that I would turn her down.

Once we arrived at the cafe, I ordered a corn potage while she asked for a black coffee.

I wondered for a bit, seeing my expression she placed her finger on her lips and winked.

“I’ve become an adult.”
“Well, well.”

Come to think of it, I didn’t see her even during the coming-of-age ceremony. Unknowingly, people had grown on their own path. I wondered what she thought of me from her perspective.

Since my order had arrived, I took the hot mug and placed my lips on it. The sensation of piping liquid passed through my lips down to my throat felt so calming and ticklish.

“You blamed your inability to draw people on your talent, but I know the real reason.”

Oh, this corn potage surely was on another level, I murmured the enjoyment of this 240-yen corn pottage toward the self-proclaimed adult before me.

“Matsuri, you have no interest in people, right?”
“I don’t really think so.”
“Then, why can’t you draw people? That was, your drawing was not on a ‘bad’ level. Just like toddlers, you draw people with six fingers, and the unproportional body scale…tell me, how many fingers do you see on me?”
“Hundreds.”

I replied to her without bothering to move my gaze in her direction.

“Each person has a different way to perceive the world.”
“...you always dodge the topic by acting like this.”

She didn’t touch her coffee ever since it arrived, the steam had long gone.

“I didn’t dodge. I simply state that we should consider different kinds of perspectives.”
“Why are you always lying, Matsuri?”
“...lying?”
“You are often stating an obvious lie like a fool to avoid the truth, no? Matsuri, you keep doing that habit whenever we talk about things you don’t want to talk about.”
“Things I don’t want to talk about, huh. I could only think of that time when I grated the radish while I still had my manicure. That sure was amazing, ah, I will be happy if we stay away from that topic.”
“This is what I’m talking about. Matsuri, you’d never do your nails.”

She brought her coffee closer, and when she had a slight sip her face scrunched up. It would be better if she added some milk, I honestly thought.

“Until when do you intend to live your life while killing off your emotions? Be honest for once. If you keep building a tall wall and trapped yourself inside your own space, you would stumble one day.”

Hearing her voice, I stared outside the window while wondering, this topic surely wasn't something fitting for a casual hangout at a cafe.

“Matsuri, you are not strong enough to live on your own.”
“I’m the strongest. Really strong.”
“See? Another lie. Just don’t dodge it. Don’t you remember you kept crying while saying how lonely you are during our night together?
“...I thought that it was fitting for the mood.”
“Despite how strongly you clinged on me? You kept saying more, asking for a stronger way to embrace you.”
“Like an actress, huh? The truth is, I was an aspiring actress.”
“Even though you couldn’t stand to live without anyone’s support.”
“Isn’t that a common trait for humans? You see, like how they wrote the kanji of person (人) with a meaning of supporting each other? It sure sounds bizarre when I say it out loud.”

She bit her lips in desperation with an intense glare directed on me.

“You are simply pretending to be strong. Truthfully, you are someone fragile and weak. I hate that side of you, but I also found it dear.”
“Aa, if you don’t drink it, can I have your coffee?”
“Sure thing. Hey, Matsuri.”

The bitterness tasted good. Whether it was sweetness, saltiness, drunkenness, everything I tasted in my tongue could be replaced by this bitterness. Also, things like memories, regrets, stuff that linked with bitterness in general would linger longer and vividly.

“You are living alone now, right?”
“Yup. Currently part of a fairly popular flower shop’s workforce.”
“Don’t you feel lonely?”

I finished my coffee while she moved from her initial spot and scooted next to me. With those pretty hands, she intertwined her long fingers with mine.

“Should I embrace you again?”

Our eyes met in a fairly close proximity. Her red lips glistened, reflecting the light. Her lustrous forelocks and her visible forehead, I moved those long hair strands slightly so I could see her bare neck. Like a plea, I buried my head and a flood of memories came, it was like they were crawling from the ground.

That moment, my phone vibrated.

[It's done~]

It was a message from Sumire.

There was a crying bear sticker after, so she probably didn’t do well in the audition.

“Matsuri?”
“No, thank you.”

I stood from my chair and took the bill.

“I drank everything anyway, so I’ll pay for it.”
“Is it okay?”
“Huh? Sure, it’s not that expensive.”
“Not that.”

She stood and glaring at me. I wondered if there was a meaning beneath those damp eyes.

“Are you okay with this, Matsuri?”
“What is ‘this’?”
“Living with that coldness.”
“Aah.”

How many times did I hear this question?

“It’s good to see you again. Well then.”

I finished the payment and she still stood at the same spot.

When I left the cafe, I felt like I heard her slight voice amidst the cafe’s bustle.

“—liar.”

***

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