Chapter 3-2

 

***

It was during the new year party that took place after the February’s bean throwing event (TL note: Setsubun). Time-wise, it was too late to celebrate the end of the year, so we simply borrowed the name out of formality for our drinking party.

We had our drinking party in the nearby yakitori restaurant and the participants were vice-manager, Shirakumo-san, Takahashi-san, and me, so four people in total. Since we halted the order, the chopsticks were no longer in use and we mostly focused on our drinks.

Vice-manager seemed already intoxicated since she started to blabber about her private matters. As for Takahashi-san, at first she kept grumbling about Tateyama-san, but once our eyes met, the mood became stiff and the topic slowly died down.

Having said that, frankly I didn’t really care.

The purpose of drinking parties like this mostly was to complain anyway, and I didn’t particularly care about upholding stuff like social norms and order during times like this.

While we were at it, Shirakumo-san was completely wasted. Moreover, me and my tough luck accidentally sat next to her. Of course she would mess with me, even now, she strongly gripped my arms without any sign of letting go.

“Oi, listen here, four grass crowns.” (TL note: refer to Chapter 1-2)
“What’s with the lame nickname?”
“Ya surely are thrilled huh, having a name that’s fitting as a florist. While this me, according to this name I don’t even have the rights to step on the land.” (TL note: Shirakumo is written with white cloud characters)
“If you are that concerned about names, just be a flight attendant.”
“Aaa? Do ya honestly think I’ll manage to do it?”

Ouch, she smacked my upper arms. It probably would be less painful if she didn’t punch me with those sharp knuckles.

Shirakumo-san’s red hair drooped on my arms, it made my arm look like it had extremely visible blood vessels.

“Hey Matsuri, I saw ya with a woman in a cafe during the store's holiday.”
“And what’s the problem with that?”
“Could it be that, ya guys are this?”

Shirakumo-san smirked like she was teasing me as she showed me her middle finger.

“What’s the meaning behind your gesture?”
“It means that lass is someone that makes ya want to spend life and death together. Ya really had an amazing expression after all, so it would be rubbish to say that ya lots are just friends, I honestly was surprised.”
“Well, indeed she’s not a friend. She was simply an acquaintance during my student days.”
“Huuh, so you went to a town far from here just to meet with this casual acquaintance?”
“That wasn’t the reason I was there. I went to that town for an audition.”
“Haaa?”

It was like her eyeball could pop out from their socket when Shirakumo-san heard my answer. Seeing that reaction made me realise that I was quite lacking in terms of explaining my reasons.

“Sumire…the relative that I’m taking care of said that she wants to be a comedian, so I accompanied her to the audition location.”

Hearing my explanation, Shirakumo-san leaned forward and clapped her hands.

“A comedian?! Uahahaha! In this era? That sure is awesome!”

Good for you, Sumire. You successfully made other people cackle like this… Well, getting laughed at, might be a more precise description.

“It’s ridiculous right, a comedian...”
“Is she a jokester?”
“Not really…I don’t really think she’s that type. Whenever she watched television, she mainly watched animal programs, it also didn’t seem that she had particular interests in that field. In the first place, she wasn’t that comical as a person.”

She was comically weird though.

“Despite that, she wants to become a comedian?”
“Yes. But well, you can guess the result of her audition.”

Two weeks after her audition, she received the rejection email.

Sumire became extremely dejected after she saw the email. When I mumbled, “Well, that’s a given,” she attacked me. That girl surely got more violent as days passed, huh…

“Hahaha, but that’s a good dream, a comedian! Lemme give her my support.”

However, Shirakumo-san’s encouragement didn’t sound like sarcasm or a mockery like mine. Instead, her encouragement was heartfelt as she shook my hands vigorously.

Since the vice-manager and Takahashi-san looked like they were having a serious conversation, it didn’t seem like I could leave this drunkard and carelessly join that side.

“Shirakumo-san, you were an aspiring musician, right?”

Once she turned 30, she gave up on her dream and went back to her hometown. I felt like I heard her story once. Personally, I considered this topic as a landmine, but unlike my expectation, Shirakumo-san nodded with a tint of pride.

“Why did you want to be a musician?”
“Of course because I loved singing and I considered mine as the best in the world. Back then, I thought that I had no other path other than music, it acted as a trigger to chase after my dream as a musician.”

She gulped her beer in one go, then she sighed followed by a compelling speech.

“Well, it seemed like I was born too early for the dream, though.”

She put down her glass on the table and rested her body on the wall while clicking her tongue. Her gaze seemed like she was peering at a faraway land, but actually it might not be that far.

Sometimes, I would find people who blindly chase after their goals, but this might be the first time for me to catch sight of someone who properly placed a limitation for their objective. The result of that said limitation was working as a florist and serving customers, which perhaps could be perceived as a failure for some people regardless.

“Matsuri, ya don’t have any dreams, yeah?”
“Eh, how do you know?”
“It’s easy to distinguish between people who only look forward so that they tend to fall, and people who keep looking back, tracing their steps carefully so they won’t stumble, ya see? Lend me yer hand.”

I nodded and stretched out my arm. I drank just a little amount of alcohol, but my arm turned slightly red.

“It’s especially easy when ya look at their hand like this. Those fools who only look forward have hands full of scratches and calluses. See, just like mine, I played guitar so much that my nails changed shape since it peeled off often. Also, my left pinky is kinda swollen a bit.”
“Indeed.”
“Right? But cautious people, since they’d never fall over, their hands would be so smooth and pretty.”

Now let’s see the result of your audition, Shirakumo-san seemed enthusiastic as she took a look at my hand.

“Which is why people like ya always have…”

Shirakumo-san stared at my hand looking rigid. She held my middle finger and my thumb and rubbed it, it was ticklish.

“Shirakumo-san?”
“Aa, nah…nn, let’s see. Perhaps, I was wrong all along.”
“If it’s about your wrongdoing, you did it too often. Remember you cut all of the reserved flowers before?”
“It turned out okay, right? Humans make mistakes often in order to grow.”

She did have a point, but considering her age I couldn’t really agree with her. Which meant in her case, Shirakumo-san might already hit her limit to grow as a florist. Manager, this would be a perfect chance to kick her out.

Once again, Shirakumo-san held my hand. It was like she poured some kind of energy, and then she swiftly took her hand off from mine.

“Matsuri.”
“Yes?”
“About the reason I wanted to be a musician, other than my love for singing, I wanted my feelings to reach a lot of people.”

The beer was no longer in sight. Her hand that no longer had any destination wandered around in the air and then latched on my cheek and poked it repeatedly. Why.

“That’s the thing about dreams. You won't be able to reach it if you run after it driven solely by your ambition. That’s why you need to look forward, since you will definitely find someone at that finish line.”
“Could it be that back then, the one who awaited you at your finish line was your man?”
“Fool, as if my goal was that insignificant. Humanity! I wanted my song to reach all of humanity! That was my dream.”

It was clear that her dream was so magnificent. Her ambition resembled a kid’s imagination, something like a baseless imagination, a delusional fantasy. Something that truly strayed from reality.

Still, Shirakumo-san was able to smile so earnestly while looking back at her dissolved ambition. She hit my back strongly.

“I’m sure that girl also feels the same. I wonder where that person is whom she wants to make laugh, that person was probably that girl’s finish line. Well, that’s the thing about dreams. They will roped others as a way to shape each finish line. That’s precisely why, I don’t know the reason but, I think you are doing great by supporting her, Matsuri. Yer amazing.”

She repeatedly smacked my back while strongly clasping around my head. Truth to be told, despite this situation I had zero desire to be a pro-wrestler.

“It’s better to start chasing after a dream early, so ya need to properly support her, alrite?”

It was a voice that I’d never heard from her before, a gentle murmur. Shirakumo-san had a bad attitude but she’d never fabricate lies and treated all people equally. Thanks to that trait, some customers prefer to reach out to her during their shopping. Although, during that time, she’d often ditch her work and started chatting casually looking like she had her fun instead.

From a business' perspective it was a bad thing, but I was kind of curious how it was from the customer's perspective.

…maybe now I found one of the reasons why she could avoid the lay off.

“Well, chasing after dreams is quite meaningful for high schoolers, I guess.”

Perhaps due to her speech before, I ended up blurting something outlandish.

When I finished my sentence, Shirakumo-san yelped, sounding surprised.

“High schooler?”
“Yes. She's in second grade, but will be a third grader in spring.”
“The one who lives with ya?”
“Correct. She stayed with me ever since November last year.”
“Matsuri, how old are ya?”
“Twenty. I will turn 21 this year though. Truly unfitting to babysit a child, right? I wonder how this could happen, sob sob.”

She furrowed her eyebrow and snorted while speaking in a joking tone.

“Rather than babysitting, it’s much more like a cohabitation though.”

She said such a scandalous thing, so I laughed while swaying my hands as a sign to reject her notion.

“...of course not. I’m an adult and she’s a brat.”

Yeah no, I thought while I recalled Sumire’s appearance. The Sumire inside my memory always wore a uniform with her puffed out cheeks. See, a brat... Brat, right?

“It’s only three years difference.”
“Well, yeah, but she’s a high schooler.”
“But ya guys live together, right?”
“Forced to live together, to be exact.”
“And ya eat together, also sleep together?”
“Well…”
“That, from others’ perspective, is completely cohabitation.”

Her words felt like a wake up call from my drunk.

“Considering the circumstances, it wouldn't be weird if you did it with her. You didn’t, right?!”

My ears felt like ringing and my head felt like it was drained of blood.

No way, we are both girls, was not a convincing argument from me.

“Would be best if ya do it now. If the other party is unwilling, she would‘ve left long ago. Living together means you have that kind of mood sometimes, am I right?”
“You are too drunk, Shirakumo-san. You said some moving stuff earlier, but now you are being indecent out of nowhere.”
“Ah love this kind ay talk.”
“What’s up with the sudden Kansai accent?”

Sumire with her uniform. Me with my working suits. Once we dismissed our initial relationship, what would be left was simply a three year age difference. That difference was something that would be easy to overcome. For some reason, I was reminded of the heat when our hands intertwined, and when we slept in the same bed.

Despite being so embarrassed when being seen, she would stare at my naked body without any reservation. Sometimes she would get flustered and blushed in an instant, but also seemed happy whenever our skins touched. Her eagerness to stay next to me… Now I couldn’t help but remember Sumire who always followed me behind. My face felt warm even though I was already sober.

“Our relationship isn’t like that.”

I crushed the ice cubes with my teeth.

In exchange for this coldness inside my mouth, I started to long for heat. 

***

By the time I headed home, I could feel my stomach churning due to the drink I had during the party. At least my head felt fine and I didn’t sense any personality change, so it was still alright. I admitted that this kind of measurement standard was questionable, but at least I could clearly sense my feets that brought me home.

When I passed by the station, it was quite crowded with couples since it was Sunday. Most of them huddled closer together like preventing the cold air with peaceful smiles plastered on their faces.

Seeing those sceneries didn’t trigger any particular feelings inside my heart, whether it was nervousness or jealousy. Saying that this was a form of an emotionless trait would be a bit different since I sincerely thought that it was a fitting way to live amicably with others.

I loved my bed. I loved it since it provided me with warmth, and following that theory it would be natural that I also favoured warmth that was provided by human’s skin. This didn’t differ much from the sentiment people got by raising a dog, just enough to protect someone from coldness and loneliness.

Speaking of which, I didn’t like bears. They were scary. I could say the same with gorillas and their intimidating aura along with their strong bodies. Hence, I’d prefer something that wasn’t too big.

Yup, dogs might be the best choice. I loved dogs. I see, I still had affection to spare for something. Dog’s level of size, docility and faithfulness, also their cute and lovely appearance were important. Come to think of it, a long time ago I begged my mother for a dog, huh.

I probably told everyone in the drinking party about that story just before the end of the event.

They kept pressuring me to get a lover after all, so that was the way I expressed my rejection toward the idea.

I couldn’t really recall how it ended, but since I headed home without any hitch, they probably let me go while also confirming my aloofness. I didn’t really mind anyway.

Once I arrived at my house, there was a pair of shoes. It was a recently bought spring shoe and they lined slightly messy. Apparently she was bad with stuff like dimensional perception, particularly grasping things that take shape and space.

While I lined up my shoes tidily, I also fixed hers.

“I’m home.”
“Ah, Matsuri.”

She was watching television when she instantly straightened her back and walked in my direction.

“Welcome home~ today is cold, huh~”
“Stop clinging on me, are you a dog?”
“Bofu bofu.”
“What's that?”
“Dog’s sneeze.”
“Normally people would mimic the cutest one, like their bark, right?”
“Copy that, woof woof.”
“Yup woofle.”

She probably didn’t get what I said so I launched two body blows on her small body.

“But still today was really cold.”

Sumire responded with a grunt while crouching down, but it was obvious that she was pretending judging by her voice, so I casually walked past her.

“Huh, where’s my jersey?”

I couldn’t find my favourite jersey that I always wear during this cold weather, so I looked for it around the room. It wasn’t even hung, so I confusedly tilted my hand when Sumire let out a weird laugh and stood up.

“Are you looking for this, Matsuri?”

Sumire flaunted her upper wear in my direction.

“Ah, that one…wait, why are you wearing it? Take it off now.”
“Eeh, but this is so warm, and it’s easy to move.”

Sumire moved the clearly oversized sleeve. Despite my glare, she still flashed me that mushy smile.

At this rate nothing would get done, so I strongly grabbed her shoulders and forcefully took the jersey off from her body. Nonetheless, Sumire didn’t do any notable resistance so I smoothly took the clothes off from her while her face turned red.

“Y-you take off the clothes.”
“Ha?”

I glared once again and she shut her mouth looking at her feet.

I wore my jersey and rested my body on the cushion. I got this cushion as a bingo prize during the year-end party, but it was large, around two meters, so I could comfortably lay down there. The next moment, Sumire came and lay down next to me, the soft cushion easily changed shape.

Her face was right before my eyes, it was like we were going to sleep together. I moved slightly so our arms and thighs brushed each other, but she seemed surprised as she moved away.

One day, Sumire started to move her boundary and stuck with me like this. I did realise for quite a long time, but recently I had a new discovery.

During the time when she clung to me like this, she would always have part of her skin touched mine. It wasn’t like she persistently made us touch each other, she did it slowly, making our contact seem like a coincidence.

It reminded me of the way dogs nudge their owner asking for attention. Some of her behaviour reminded me of an undisciplined dog anyway, but that might be part of her personality.

Still. 

Cohabitation.

This particular word wouldn’t leave my head.

You wouldn’t refer to living with a dog as cohabitation. You also wouldn’t say cohabitation when you lived with your relative. Living with a little sister was also not a cohabitation. Living with your family would also be different from cohabitation. Maybe room share would be more suitable in these cases.

Cohabitation, mostly referred to living with your significant others.

Even if that word was used for something other than lovers, then most of the time that word was suitable for a relationship between people with a very close connection.

Sumire who laid down next to me moved her face slightly, her flowing hair strands made her look more mature than usual. Recently, her hair grew longer, her height and bust size also showed a change according to her previous boasting.

I wondered if this shorty would grow into a beautiful and charming lady in the future.

“Bofu, bofu.”

Seeing her mimicking a dog’s sneeze, I strongly shook my head, yeah no.

When I did that, Sumire once again brushed her skin against mine, this time she placed her palm on mine.

It was like she wanted to make sure of something, so the touch only lasted for a short moment before she pulled away again.

She was facing my direction, but her gaze fell on the cushion.

Looking at her, memories from the corner of my mind started to resurface.

I had an unpleasant thing happen, and I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, that was the time when I was still a frail and helpless child. That child had another person—who already became an adult—taught her the way to deceive oneself. The method to forget the pain by drowning one’s reasoning in others’ warmth.

In the end it was only a fleeting escape, something that didn’t last long, so I ended everything in that moment. Besides, it was only one-sided infatuation from that person. Midway I could sense her fingers movement changed as it moved more greedily like she wanted to devour me. I had enough of one night filled with jealousy, longing, lust, madness, and lots of emotions.

But that single night was too heavy.

Just by that one moment, she became distorted and kept asking for more, again and again.

It was no different from serving cat food to a dog.

“Hey.”

My lips moved.

What was love, what was affection? What was human nature? What was body? What was feeling? What was I?

What was dream?

As each question filled my mind like a series of sparks, I redirected my gaze on Sumire.

“Are you in love with me?”

I could hear a small gasp escaping her lips, but then she vigorously sat up. Her eyes blinked a few times before she glared at me, looking dubious.

Why would she give me that look? Some sense of obstinacy filled my head so I glared back at her.

We had a staring clash for around a minute until Sumire gave in. She seemed shrivelled just like a withered leaf in my eyes as she timidly opened her mouth.

“That…not…no.”

Her sentence didn’t make any sense, but going by the words I could at least recognise what she tried to convey, such was the incredibleness of our language.

“Is that so? My mistake then.”

I didn’t have any intention to probe deeply on the matter, so I let her off easily and chose to get convinced by her answer. As I stood up from the bed, the cushions also fell off due to my movement.

Having those presumptions concerning her feelings could’ve branded me as an overly conscious and egotistical woman, but I chose to let my thoughts wander.

Well then, now that the talk was over I wondered what I should make for today’s dinner, my mind was in the middle of choosing between curry and stew while also recalling the ingredients. During this season, the nights tend to be longer and the colour of twilight was quite peculiar. Truly a troublesome season, just like me.

Aside from the menu idea, I also started to consider buying the meal from a convenience store. During this time I once again got reminded of my ultimate laziness as I closed the curtain.

“I-it was a lie!”

Inside the dark room, I couldn’t see Sumire’s expression.

“Sumire…is infatuated with you.”

Why the sudden super formal speech?

“I see.”
“Yes…”

I walked toward Sumire who sat hugging her knees, and seeing me who moved closer she looked panicked and yelped, “Wa, wa!”

She shifted backward and like reaching her limit she finally turned her body around.

“Sorry.”

Since she showed her back to me I felt like talking with her small butt.

“You don’t really need to apologise, but why me?”

Out of curiosity, I questioned her since I also wanted to know how this adult me appeared from a high school girl’s perspective.

“What part of me do you like?”
“D-don’t know.”
“Is it my face?”
“Your face is normal.”
“Uh-huh.”

What a lavish kid. I was a poster girl for the flower shop, you hear me? Despite my daily behaviour, please let me claim the title just this time. I’d never really appreciate my looks since it was sort of futile after all.

“It just naturally becomes that way whenever Sumire’s heart longed to be with you….”
“Are you a maiden?”

I whacked her butt and her posture slowly crumbled, now she completely laid down on her stomach.

Each person had their own reasons for loving someone. Their face, their scent, their personality, there were truly a lot of factors. In Sumire’s case, it would be possible that she mistook her feelings as an affection for sister or family. It would also be possible that her feelings were just fleeting emotions, something like a youth’s mistake.

But for me, I have my own secret spell to uncover her true feelings. This method wasn’t even written in the manual book.

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

The hands of the clock kept moving.

After a fulfilling moment of silence, Sumire slightly nodded her head.

How distorted. How a simple emotion of wanting to be together transformed into an affection, and later it would also change into a sense of longing on a physical level. Even back then, that woman also did the same. Her eyes were burning in lust as she devoured me completely. These arms, these fingers…why?

Those emotions, why did no one let me taste those feelings, what I had on me was merely this strength that didn’t let me shamble.

Something like a sincere love was a rare occasion, so rare it might be non-existence and solely existed in made up stories. Those fictional things, just dream of it.

“Go ahead then.”

I peeled off the clothes from my skin.

In the dark of the night, I stood up in the middle of the room without anything in my body. It was surprising how light my body felt. My chest felt ticklish since it rubbed against my upper arms, but the heat that was born from that simple friction was warm. The feeling of getting embraced by my own body…I sure sounded like a pervert.

Sumire gazed at me looking surprised, and then she averted her eyes. But the next second, her eyes redirected on me and she slightly touched my body.

“Just touch me if you long for it, I’m used to it anyway.”

That was surely insolent of me to say that I was used to it despite having done it only once.

That being said, being someone’s object of desire was a piece of cake. You didn’t need anything whether it was technique, knowledge, or experience. During that time, you could simply staring at the ceiling and then it would be over once you know.

Receiving someone else’s affection was easy. It was as simple as letting anyone throw themself over me. I did admit that it was a warped concept, but from the beginning I always perceived love as something like that.

Naturally, I turned down some of the love confession I received. In fact, the percentage of rejecting confession was definitely higher. Some cases, I would accept the confession out of a casual feeling like, “Well, why not?” and interpret that thought as a form of fondness.

That was the case during my time with that woman, and this time with Sumire.

When I went outside and interacted with a lot of people, I felt like I started to discover the sentiment of being caught up in a vortex of viciousness.

During my time inside that house I’d never sense anything like that.

What I did might be simply out of personal convenience.

Doing this with her would be a good opportunity to forget a lot of bothersome things.

“Not doing it?”

I pulled Sumire’s arm.

Her petite body held me and we fell on the bed. That pair of earnest eyes were staring at me. Surely she appeared so childish like usual. Why would I get pushed down by someone like this kid, I secretly cussed her as some bad thoughts started bubbling inside my head.

“Ma, Matsuri.”
“I told you it’s fine. You’re expecting this, no?”

Despite my welcoming invitation, just like a broken machine she rigidly moved her neck and turned away her face from me.

“I, I shall refuse.”

She puffed out her chest and then moved her lips, saying words in a formal way that I wasn’t used to. It would be great if she held that manner in our daily interactions.

“Why don’t you want to?”

That being said, there was also something wrong with me.

If she said no, then I should just let it be, but I ended up getting a bit stubborn. Perhaps it was because I didn’t want to appear on the losing side here. I’d never known that I had this kind of ambitiousness asleep inside of me, but it was a given since we couldn’t take a peek inside our own hearts.

“You make me look miserable, what are you going to do now?”

Inside the darkness, I grabbed Sumire’s collar. Seeing my move, Sumire had a bitter look on her face and then grabbed my arm.

“But doing this is impossible, since Sumire knows how painful it is.”

She pulled her fist and then opened it, glaring at her palm that turned white.

“Hurting people results in experiencing more terrible hurt”

It was weak, but her determination-filled eyes pierced through me.

“Haa…”

I let out a sigh and Sumire dropped her body next to me.

“As expected from the boss, you sure get it, do you?”
“R-really?”
“Yup. somehow, aah, how should I put this.”

I should acknowledge that what Sumire said was true.

If we kept going further, then the mood inside this room would get worse after.

She rejected me. It was generally a bad thing, but I felt relieved instead for some reason.

How odd.

“My bad, just forget it.”

Once I replayed what I did inside my mind, I couldn’t help but feel remorseful. That was surely bizarre of me.

This was precisely why I loathed drinking parties. During the event you would exchange a lot of stories and values with others and that experience would give you new ideas and perspectives. 

“Matsuri.”

From my behind, Sumire put her arms around this pathetic me.

The fervent sensation from her skin wasn’t something like a child’s body temperature.

“Did something happen?”

It was more lukewarm, a temperature that emanated from other’s skin. With a slight increase in temperature, it surely would be more warm. I moved my arm like I was looking for something, filled with more expectations.

I grabbed Sumire’s waist, and then put some distance between our bodies.

“Not something for you to worry about, brat.”

Maybe because I didn’t insert much power that the gap between our bodies wasn’t as far as I intended.

“I will do my best to become an adult.”

She stretched her back and then her gaze was directed straight at me from on top of me.

She surely was more adult than me.

Surely, I would never admit to her even if my mouth got slit.

I turned on the light and put on my clothes.

While putting on my shirt, I couldn’t hold back the weird whimper when my finger brushed against my bare stomach. Once my head passed through the collar, Sumire looked a bit regretful as she stared at her fingers.

Adult halfway, I guess. Since she already stated it so gallantly, it would be better for her to stick to what she had determined.

That day I ended up making stew.

When I stirred the broth while also scooping the scum, Sumire came next to me wearing her apron despite her absence in the cooking session.

“It smells great.”

She peeked and took a sniff.

Both of us stared at the white-coloured soup inside the pot.

When one by one ingredients got mixed in, the white-coloured  world inside the pot changed into another world full of colour. Then I remembered to add the milk, and once again the world turned white. After that, no matter what ingredient I put in, the white was unchanged.

Still, each scent harmonised, forming a complex fragrance, and all melted as the heat took over.

Inside the small world, unreasonables and hopes clashed with each other, forming a single matter.

“I sure am a cold person, huh.”

The ladle moved around, creating a surge of waves. The rumbling created by the waves shook everything in its vicinity, my head felt like it was deprived of oxygen.

My mind went blank, and once I realised that I spouted some nonsensical thing, Sumire already had my hand wrapped in hers.

“You think? You are warm, though.”

My hand that had been strongly gripped felt like it was basking in heat.

The ingredients entered the pot.

I stirred and mixed everything.

Thus, everything melted into one.

***

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